Grief!

I know many of my readers know that my mother in law passed away this past January. We were very close, she was very special to me. To say I miss her would be putting it lightly. There has not been one day that has passed that I have not thought of her and wished to see her one more time. Oh I know I will see her again and there comes a great peace in knowing that however it doesn’t always seem to help the missing her so much! We lost her very quickly, 2 months of cancer and she was gone. Even now its hard to believe that last school year she was here shopping with me for school supplies with no sign of sickness!

I have had so many wonderful friends and family members help us through by praying for us and even some online friends such as Tammy who has ministered more to me then anyone can imagine. One of the things she has told me is to walk through it, not around. She lost her mom a few years back and she knows first hand of that kind of loss. This is the first time in my life I have dealt with this kind of grief but I have felt God’s presence for sure! It would be so much easier to skip the first year, the first birthdays, first holidays, and on and on. We can’t do that though, we have to go right on through the first and right on through the pain. Its been the hardest things I have ever done for sure………..

Not too long ago I was sitting at church waiting for my son to finish his piano lesson and my cell phone rang, it said Judy’s home. My heart raced for a minute wondering how that can be? No one had called me from that number on my cell since she died, then I realized it must be my father in law-he never calls my cell phone so when he calls our home his name and number show up but when he called my cell I had programmed her name for their house. After I spoke to him I pondered for a minute, should I change it? I took a deep breath and prayed and said to myself, yes I should change it- her home here in Ky is no longer her home, it needed to be changed. I was ready although it was terribly painful! There have been other things I have not been able to do yet.. I still can’t watch the home videos with her in them yet, I took my picture screensaver off because the pictures remind me so much of her. We had so many memories together because I spent every Thursday and every other Sunday with her. Not to mention all the holidays, she was so into ALL of them-when the family gets together now its like there is a huge hole in the room missing someone so important, however its been 8 months now and its getting somewhat easier, we are making new memories and like Tammy said, she will always be a part of us, always.

Tonight after celebrating my sons and nieces birthdays with my husbands family we were coming home and out of the blue my 9 yr told me he wished he could see Gee one more time and just started to weep-as soon as we came in he went to bed and just cried and cried and cried! I wasn’t expecting it tonight, we had a really nice time but I guess he realized how she isn’t going to celebrate birthdays with us anymore. It just broke my heart because I know nothing I can say can stop the pain, nothing-he has to walk through it, of course I prayed with him and reminded him how much I loved him and just reminded him we weep but someday we will be reunited! Him like me knows this but it doesn’t take the pain away or the missing her part-thats just the part we have to walk through! He cried quite a bit when we told him about her cancer but he has truly tried to think of her little because he said he hurts too much to think of her, I think tonight he just couldn’t avoid it and I’m sure the cry was good for him even though it was so hard to hear! my precious son just weep with sadness that I couldn’t change.

I was able to talk to her quite a bit while she was dying. It was such a painful time and although I’m glad we got to say things it was very emotional and intense. One of the things I told her was that I had learned more from her then she could ever know and she looked at me and said Oh I have learned more from YOU then you will ever know! How could that be? But oh what a gift! I miss you Judy! I love that song Homesick by MercyMe, it talks about losing someone and how it makes the ones left even more homesick for heaven. I am going to share a couple of things I have learned in this journey soon! My prayer is that it may help someone else who has recently lost someone, I know hearing other’s stories has been so theraputic for me.

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